Comfort   von Gepo
                            (Twin-story to "Hurt")
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                       Kapitel 10: Sometimes it is gold
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He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He felt the tears on his cheeks, felt
himself choking when he tried to draw in air. How did he know? How could Kagami
guess such things? Could one really smell something like that?
“I want to kill Akashi for this” The other said with a very low growl.
If only it had been Akashi. Gods, he so wanted to put this on him. It would be
easy to blame that dark personality but he could not. This had been all him. He
had killed those babies himself. He cried on Kagami's shoulder for a few moments
before he felt able to speak again: “It wasn't him.”
“What?” Kagami blinked in question, even though he was still in a dark
mood.
“Akashi persuaded me regarding the hunts but … someone else killed my
baby.” He could not tell that. It was too much. He could never tell. Kagami
would kill Aomine. “I am sorry. I am so sorry, Kagami. I never wanted to lie
to you about this, I just couldn't- I'm so sorry.”
“Shush” The blue head was plastered with kisses. “Don't worry- I won't-
hate you for- your past.”
“You should” Kuroko said, suddenly all serious. “I killed six babies in
here and lost the one I wanted more than anything.”
Kagami kept silent but his hug got fiercer. It felt like crushing or maybe
melting into each other. He wished he could. He wanted to vanish, dissolve,
become the shadow he claimed to be. Like a shadow he wanted to grovel at his
light's feet. In bright sunlight he wanted to stop existing. He had taken
revenge, had taught all those who had hurt him better. Why did it not feel like
a accomplishment? It all felt hollow. He was still nothing but a shadow to be
hidden away in the dark. How should he ever exist as something else than a dark
secret?
“You knew it would hurt to bring Midorima here. Hearing that he is pregnant
will hurt you more than anything. One of those who nearly broke you, having what
you wanted for yourself … we should go, Kuroko.”
He silently shook his head.
“Why are you so intent on hurting yourself?”
“I don't deserve happiness.” It was this place. It held so many memories.
“Last week at my birthday party, I was so incredibly happy that we were all
able to smile again. Even I smiled. And then I remembered how I killed our
babies. The first was Midorima's and when he smelled the termination on me, all
those neurosis started to spiral out of control. Second was Murasakibara's and
he held me just like you now. He even cried. He hurt so much. Third … it was
the one I did not want to lose. I was so sick of it all and I wanted nothing
more than to keep it.”
“But someone killed it” Kagami continued when Kuroko could nod.
“In a fit of rage.” He wanted to say it was an accident but it was not.
Aomine had aimed for his stomach. He had fully intended to kill Aoki. “After
that I … did not care anymore. I got raped daily, I simply didn't care. I feel
so filthy.”
“You don't smell filthy.” Kagami still had his nose in Kuroko's hair.
“Milk and innocence. You smell like someone mourning their lost child. That is
okay. You don't have to hate yourself for that.”
“I wanted to die” Kuroko confessed.
“It must have hurt very much.” Even Kagami sounded lost. “Please don't get
lost in your pain. You still have a future.”
“How can I live when my baby did not?” The t-shirt Kagami had lend from
Midorima was already wet in front. Kuroko felt too tired to even lift his head
to free the other from his unending tears.
“Because one day you will have another child and that one will need you. I
need you too. I don't want to be without you, Kuroko.” Even Kagami sounded
close to tears by now. His arms trembled for a second. “I love you. Please
don't leave me.”
He would not. The fingers of one hand dug into the soiled shirt. Kagami was
right. He had a bright future ahead of him with Kagami by his side. It was okay
to mourn his babies. It wasn't okay to stay in the past and refuse to look
ahead.
Did Kagami just say that he loved him? He looked up and searched the other's
miserable red eyes. There was so much tender care, sorrow and even a slight bit
of fear in his gaze. Kagami really did not accuse him for his sins.
He could ask the other if he would mate with him right now. Kagami would
immediately say yes, Kuroko was sure. He stayed silent though. He did not want
pity. He did not want to be saved. He wanted to be loved, flaws and rough edges
included. So he would not ask. He would mourn his babies first.
“Are we … interrupting something?” Takao asked with a small voice.
“Oh” Kagami looked up and blinked like he had completely forgotten where
they were.
“How did it go?” Kuroko cleaned his face with one hand, desperately telling
himself to calm down.
“We'll know tomorrow.” Midorima got out a pack of tissues and held it out to
the other.
“I see.” The blue-haired took it and dried his face before cleaning his
nose. He could do nothing about Kagami's shirt though.
“Are you up to dinner or do you want to go home?” Takao asked him.
“Dinner sounds good” The Omega answered.
Kagami sighed with a concerned look at Kuroko. He still followed though.

Mister gentleman had dropped him off in front of his door before he turned and
went home himself. Kuroko had wanted to hold him back, call after him, even
scream but as always he had done nothing of that. He used the next day to visit
the graveyard and say sorry to every little stone there for deciding against
birthing them. In the end he leaned forward and kissed the Jizo statue, saying
goodbye to Aoki and sorry for being unable to save him.
Kagami was right. It was a bad idea to linger in the past and blame himself for
everything that happened. He would only take his fiery redhead down with him. He
should focus on the future instead. His future called Kagami, his love.
His future children.
He blushed thinking about that, even in front of those seven gravestones. He had
aborted six of those children. Could he really think about having another? Would
he be able to love that one child instead of looking at seven accusing faces?
Would he be able to hold a little boy and not whisper Aoki every time he looked
at him?
Could he? Could he accept Kagami and never say Aomine's name when he closed his
eyes? Sure, what he felt for Kagami was a lot more, it was more intense, it was
full of love and trust. All those thoughts still conflicted in his head. He
wanted a clean plate, wanted to love Kagami and cherish their children but he
did not want to forget those seven gravestones in front of him.
He could never forget. They told a tale of squashed dreams, broken promises and
violence. They were beauty in the darkness, a curse and a chain. They meant so
much to him and had mattered so little. They were a symbol of his weakness, his
sin, they were all he had wanted. It was all so confusing.
He wanted Kagami. He wanted to be held. He wanted those voices to be quiet. He
wanted to listen to the heartbeat of the only one he wanted to be held by in
life. So he left the cemetery and took the train to his flat. Would Kagami be
home? Would he open the door? Would he hold Kuroko?
When the redhead opened the door, he drew the shorter one into his arms and
whispered into his hair: “I was afraid you'd done something to yourself when
your mother told me you had gone out this morning.”
“Why would I?” He asked.
“Have you read Takao's SMS?” Kagami lifted him to carry him around and
closed the door.
Kuroko kicked off his sneakers and answered: “I haven't but I guess Midorima
is pregnant then?”
“Yes, he is.” Kagami studied his face while he said that.
“I wish them luck. Losing a child is a horrible experience. Midorima was there
when I … he knows the terror. We will not see him playing again.” Kuroko
snuggled against Kagami's side, happy to be carried around. He liked it.
“Maybe we´ll make preliminaries then.” The redhead smiled. “You seem to
be in a good mood.”
“I visited my babies' gravesite.”
“Oh.” Kagami hung his head. “Should I accompany you next time?”
“Not if it makes you look so down.” Kuroko closed his eyes. “It was
draining but also a relief. I said sorry to all of them.”
“Did they have names?” Kagami sat down on a sitting cushion and arranged
Kuroko on his lap.
“Aoki had one. He was the one I wanted to keep.” Well, that made it easy to
guess who the father was. “I am sorry he died that way.”
“How did he die? You said someone killed him.”
Kuroko only shook his head. He would not tell on Aomine. Kagami would rip him to
shreds if he knew. On the other hand, he wasn't as oblivious as he had thought,
so maybe … maybe he should: “Aomine did. As you can guess from the name, it
was his child. I have … no, I have not forgiven him. I never will. But I
decided to let it rest. Aomine has suffered enough for it.”
“I remember him from that first game, standing above us and gloating. I am not
sure he suffered enough.” Kagami's eyes had narrowed to slits, his muscles
bulging under his skin.
“He knows what he did. He still feels guilty. Taking revenge won't make it any
better.” He let go off his breath and kissed Kagami's cheek. “I told you
because you know I had feelings for him. I just wanted to assure you that
whatever I felt for him died with Aoki. I will never forgive him.”
“Those feelings still bind your heart.” Kagami looked away.
“Yes, they do” Kuroko admitted and hung his head. “I don't come
unattached. I am not pure anymore. I loved others, will continue to love some of
them. Aoki most of all. I can only offer a big piece of my heart and my
body.”
“Dummy.” The other's long arms enveloped him just like yesterday.
“Children should always come first. I won't get jealous because of a baby.”
He inhaled a bit of Kuroko's scent again. “I do want to punch Aomine and
Akashi in the face though.”
“Then claim me.” Oh god, had he really just said that? “I mean, then no
one but you will ever be able to touch me again.” Technically they might but
his smell would be off-putting to them. He would smell of Kagami. “Sorry, that
was too forward, I shouldn't have-”
“The smell of milk is gone.” The other still had his nose in Kuroko's hair.
“You smell sweet and enticing. The scent of mourning is gone.”
“Yes, I was … Kagami, what are you doing?”
It wasn't inhaling anymore, it was sniffing. Kuroko knew that all of his
pheromones were down but it still got him nervous. Kagami continued down to his
neck, sniffing there.
“Kagami?”
“Do you want me to bite you?” The other's voice had darkened.
“I … yes” Kuroko fidgeted, unnerved from having the other breathing on his
neck, even if it was from the front and he wanted to be bitten. “What are you
doing there?”
“Smelling you.” Kagami grabbed his hips with both hands and changed his
sitting position, so that his legs fell right and left from Kagami's, making him
sink against his crotch. “My mother taught me to distinguish scents when I was
too young to be affected. You are going into heat.”
“I am?” Kuroko asked with panic in his voice. “But my temperature was
normal this morning.”
“Yes, the hormones will kick in tonight.” The redhead leaned back and looked
at the other, quite relaxed for an Alpha who just smelled an Omega's heat.
“That means I can claim you if you want me to.”
“Today?” Well, okay, that was … faster than expected. He wanted this,
sure, but now? Did he really? He was only seventeen, he could wait a bit longer,
he could … it would expose him to danger. He never wanted anyone's hands on
him but Kagami's.
“Tonight.” The other smirked. “But we can practice for it until then. I
need to bite you right before coming while you are in heat after all.”
“I … Kagami, I'd love to but I am not sure I am ready for … for another
pregnancy.” He whispered the last part.
“Heavens, no!” The other's eyes widened. “I do have condoms, relax. I
don't have to impregnate you to mark you.”
Kuroko let go off his breath, sinking against Kagami's upper body and mumbling:
“Thank you.”
“That is a given. Man, you just told what others put you through, how can you
believe I would … well, it is because of them that you believe that, right?”
The other ruffled his head. “I am not even seventeen yet, you are older than
me. I am too young to be a father. You too.”
“Good.” He sat up again which pressed his cleft against the bulge that had
formed in Kagami's pants. “Uhm … listen … I never had … sex which I
agreed to-”
Kagami interrupted him with a slow, gentle kiss. When Kuroko did not speak
afterwards, he nudged his nose with his own.
“I am not in heat yet and you have a good control, so … can you be gentle
the first time? Please?” Trying would be nice at least. Alphas liked their
Omegas in pain, he knew that. They liked it rough. Midorima had bitten every
part of his skin not protected by his collar, Murasakibara had an unbelievably
huge cock that hurt more than those times Aomine and Kise double-penetrated him.
Aomine had loved to go at it again and again until he felt raw. Only Kise had
ever looked out for him, at least when they were alone. In front of others he
had been just as brutal.
Kagami sighed, leaned forward and hugged him. Kuroko felt the other deflate
immediately. Oh. So that was a downer. Well, he would survive. Maybe even rough
sex felt better when he had at least agreed to it.
“Nothing I say will reach your ears, I guess.” Kagami grabbed his behind
again and lifted him up while standing up himself. “I just need to show you. I
could ask to tell me when you don't want something and I am sure you would never
say something. I wish Akashi hadn't messed with your mind like that but I want
you as you are. One day you will not be afraid to say what you want. I can
wait.”
Kuroko felt confused. Hadn't he just said what he wanted? And if Kagami wanted
to wait, why were they in the bedroom? The other placed him on the bed and he
could see lube and condoms on the nightstand, so it was clear what was expected
in this situation. He did not have to understand, he simply had to get through
this. He sighed and told his body to relax. He could take this, he had lived
through worse.

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