odes of a beloved mistress

Yeah, I know I haven’t commented on your second English poem yet. But somehow, I seem to have trouble as how to word it. So, I decided to take a look on the third one, then.

Actually, I like this one. That might be due to the fact that it is no real love poetry this, even so you might perceive one hint or another in this direction. But mainly, it is about death or the last moments before death.

I’ve found it rather well done that only concentrated on the perceptional part, and left out any emotional hints or, even, some kind of action. It is just about one might perceive in those last moments, of course in a way it is more or less metaphorised. I guess, you can’t say everybody is going to smell “the wet coffin”.

This poem is really dark. This fact is owed partly to your form – the fragmenting of lines – and to your wording. Let me say at first something to the fragmentation, will you? The first, second and eighth verses contain the same structure: one line and the second one just containing a single word. This has a very nice (“nice” may not be quite the best word in this context, but I guess you know what I mean) effect on the reader, at least in my opinion. It gives rise to the impression that the thought voiced there is not finished – either by lack of strength, unwillingness/fright or someone prohibiting it. It gives the reader the impression of decreasing strength, foreshadowing already the death coming ahead. Furthermore, I just noted it, since you use a certain space between the lines, the reader gains the impression that time has passed by. Thus, the poem seems to have a rather slow, hesitant pace, which doesn’t mean that it appears to be boring; that is certainly not the case. Rather this pace enhances the depressed and burdened mood within the poem.
Then I said that your choice of wording, too, is to be considered as a major device in creating the poem’s dark atmosphere. I’m not sure if you actually intended this utterly prominent presence of dark vowels, but, still, this happens to be there. These dark vowels add to the depressed atmosphere and the word you’ve chosen in general are rather emotional, thus as “coffin” – the connotation with grave, death can hardly be ignored.

You also use some common pictures and phrases of death-description in your poem, like the ticking clock, slowing lifedrum (for the heart). But these phrases, though they are not entirely new, do not seem to be “copied” or pressed into the poem. They work quite well.
Interestingly, - please do not ask how I got this idea, I really do not know – if you read the poem backwards you might gain the impression of reading a poetical version of clinical birth. Admittedly, that is perhaps somehow very abstract and strange, but in a way it really works; sadly, ending in death as well, although it cannot be certainly said whether the mother or the child or both die.

And just again something I just realized. Your lyrical I is talking about you. This again is rather intriguing. Since, I got the feeling, the reader cannot entirely be sure whether this refers really to another person, - so that the lyrical I is watching someone else, which gives one a slight awkward feeling, just like observing something very intimate and private or even again a reference towards hospital like doctors and nurses watching a patient – or if the mind of the lyrical I became split up, so that part of it is standing besides its body, watching, and is already completely disconnected towards it, even numb, with no feelings whatsoever, just neutral and sober observance.

So, to sum it up: this poem has, in my opinion, quite some strong utterances in it, and that, although you use so few words. So, good job on this one.

Meh, sorry but I just liked the first one. That has to be because of the rhymes x3" I just love rhymes and yours were really cute in the first one, although at the beginning it had a small cut when you wrote the "you" in the next verse (you wanted to have a rhyme, I saw that, but it was hard to read - you had to stop for a second to read it properly XD").

The second one was nice, but I didn't like all the repeating of one word. And that was: Touch. Touch! Touch! >//< There were too many touch's in the poem. It was of course okay as a stylistic device, but reading the poem was a bit hard because of the word. (Yet, I liked the story of the poem, it was nearly touching my heart. Haha, I said touch ._.") I admit... I don't have ANY idea which word you could've used, I would've been totally helpless if I had to write it XD" I just mentioned it because it came to my mind when reading the poem. x3"

The last poem... was... how can I say..? I didn't like it because it was build so strange. Oo" I can't even say what I really didn't like about it, but in my German lessons I had to learn that EVERYTHING is important about a poem, even breaks. XD" But I wasn't able to interpret what you thought and basically.. I didn't understand the last poem. .,. (And I really don't like it when I don't get the point XD")

And now I hope you'll find many mistakes in my comment because I was too proud to write in German XD

Auch außerhalb des KFF mal ein Kommy - aber auf deutsch.

Ich finde es ideal als Spruch zum Valentinstag - kurz, knapp, inhaltich geht es nur um Liebe, Vers 4 und 5 huckeln, ansonsten fließt es... nett.

I hope you do not mind if I comment your poem in English?
And one thing before I start: If you think that I might be mistaken with one or the other statement, please feel free to contact me about it if you want to. ^^

Actually, I must admit this poem won’t make it to my favourites. It’s just not the kind I prefer. But nevertheless, it has its certain charms. For once, it has a very nice flow. It’s easy to read; you’re carried along with the words invoking the impression of lightness, which applies very well to your chosen topic. It supports the reader’s mind to imagine these words being uttered by a lady, alone, somewhere in the dark. It enhances the feeling of underneath, silent longing.

Furthermore, the break of sense right in the middle of the poem is very interesting. In the first part, it seems the reader is led to believe that the poem will take a somehow tragic ending due to words like “dark” and “cold”, but also due to the use of a past tense followed by a conclusion that bears some certain finality in its meaning: “now I can see”.
But then, you change the direction, making the poem a confession of love. This turning is well added to what was said before. So, it might be slightly surprising, it is in no way distracting or misplaced.

Still, there are some things I found confusing.
First of all, you obviously decided to write visible sentences which are separated by commas. But you applied this only in the first part. The second part, after the break of direction, is just one single, long sentence although it should have been devided in several ones or at least into partial-sentences by using a semicolon. This would relax the reading in this part. Otherwise, the feeling of rushing-through is evoked in the reader.
Then, you chose to use a rhyming pattern, namely the full ending rhyme. This was used quite well. Still, I’m wondering, is there a special reason you start this pattern only in the second line?
And one last thing concerning the first two lines. They have a nice sound, for sure, and they remind me a little bit of “The Black Ocean”, so I really like them. I can understand there use, too. I guess they should prepare the reader emotionally for what is to come and give some small indication of the circumstances/surroundings the lyrical I is positioned in. But, actually, these two lines are the only ones containing some sort of description. All the rest concentrates on the Thoughts of the lyrical I. Therefore, I find those lines somehow dispatched from the rest of the poem.

But nevertheless, it is a nice poem.
So, Bye for now.
Isamenot