eins+1+1=??   von sutekh_nubt
                               (English version)
================================================================================
                              Kapitel 1: 1+1+1=??
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Title: 1+1+1 =??
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: ??/ RW
Warnings: Oneshot, Humor / Parody, Lime? (A tiny little bit), BTEM (Beware the
english mistakes! When you find one, keep i- I mean, tell me, please!)
Disclaimer: My name is not JK Rowling and thus I don't earn anything with this
little thing.

Story: Harry and Hermione are not quite ready for Ron's information of whom he
will bring to the Christmas party.



~** ~


"Harry James Potter! You can't just break into his apartment!" 

"But 'Mine. I don't really break into it. We’re friends.", and as if this
would be an sufficient explanation, The Savior-of-the-Wizard-World waved his
wand shortly above the rusty door knob and the rotten door opened after a soft
click. With a triumphant "Ha!" Harry grinned at Hermione and pushed open the
door to Ron's small kingdom.

Yes, Ron's. After the war the youngest male Weasley had suddenly announced that
he needed a home of his own. And not only that. Ron also wanted to try out life
as a Muggle for a while. Mr. Weasley described it as a phase (and since moving
visited the So-do-Muggles-live-interesting-interesting-apartment of his scion
quite often – what said son quite regreted) and Mrs Weasly believed it to be
Ron's way of coming to terms with the events of the last battle and was knitting
since then with a little smile on her face on a whole brown set. The twins had
announced loudly and with gestures that "Ronilein" just wanted to be alone with
his great love *smoochsmooch* and had told Hermione that she would have to be
careful with their brother because he was still so inexperienced.

Without question two faces then competed for the most reddish skin tone.
Stuttering Ron had tried to correct his brothers, but they already tried to
exceed each other with the best description for Ron's reddish – both already
agreed that they would have to invent something with that name. Only after
Hermione had brought a week later her handsome boyfriend to the weekly meal at
the Weaslys, did the words stuck in the twins throats. Literally.

But for Ron's taste the pair rebounded much too quickly. They introduced him
then to half of their Hogwarts year and to every female customer of their
flourishing business, about whom their "male instinct" told them that she was
single.

Needless to say that this was not always positive for Ron's health.

And basically pointless.

Since his brothers – and after a while even the rest of the clan, though more
haltingly and blessed with more tact – presented him to people with the wrong
sex. But Ron simply didn't have the heart to confess to his family, this tiny
little trifle. Moreover, it would certainly not stop them. Then men would be
presented to him.

Harry and Hermione knew of his – as Ron stressed – tiny dilemma and had had
to promise him faithfully, not to interfere, and – most importantly – not to
play matchmaker, too. But the pair would not be Ron's best friends, if they had
not found a way around this promise. And so they wanted to introduce Ron at the
upcoming Christmas party once again to a pretty young Auror colleague. Of
course, only introduce.

That was, if Ron would come.

And just that – the under friendly persuasion won promise to come – Harry
wanted to accomplish through his unannounced visit.

With a few steps, they were in his living room and Hermione took a breath again
to continue her whispered triad “Why one should not break in, even if, after
repeated knocking the best friend who should actually be present, does not
open” as the two heard a voice from the behind the living room located
kitchen.

It was Ron's voice. Although it sounded to Harry's ears strangely rough and
breathlessly. Trained reflexes took control and a quick glance showed him that
everything was in Ron's order and he could not feel other people. However, the
past few years had shown him that it was not always as it seemed and with a leap
he was at the kitchen door. Hermione screamed a desperate "Harry!" to stop him,
since the second in the league had seen something that Harry had apparently
overlooked in his haste: the Muggle-phone was not on his station and together
with the smoky voice, she came to a different conclusion than
The-Savior-of-the-Wizard-World. But it was too late.

With a jerk Harry had torn open the door and tried to slam it just as quickly.

A horrified "Ron!" and a surprised squeal later, Hermione was standing in the
door and quickly had a red shadow on her cheeks. Just because she had been
friends with two boys for years and had a boyfriend herself it did not mean that
she had seen it all and this situation was for all those present more than just
embarrassing.

Obviously, Ron also came to this conclusion, who was, till then, frozen on the
spot with one hand on the phone and the other on his cock. With another squeal
– which he would later claim was a very masculine inhalation with noise
generation – he dropped the phone and hurriedly grabbed his lowered pants. A
stooped posture and the beloved gravity were never a good team for rushed acts.
And so inevitable happened: with an inelegant Wham the ball of arms and legs
crashed on the old tiles. Ron hurriedly tried to cover at least something,
quickly pulled up his pants and squeezed back his about the narrowness of the
jeans displeased juwels.

Shortly pity crossed Harry's face – since he was a man too and knew how tough
denim scratched on energized skin. But then his eyes fell upon the innocent, on
the ground lying phone, and finally Harry also added 'Ron doesn't open the door
+ breathless voice + Phone' to a pretty sum.

A nasty grin then overspread the striking face and slowly he leaned to the
handset.

"Well, Ronilein. I never would have thought of you ~." came the played indignant
and with two octaves too high voice of Ron's best friend, who was now leaning
casually against the kitchen counter and played with one hand with the phone.

Immediately Ron's head snapped up and he froze for the second time that day to a
pillar of salt. A mantra of 'Oh, shit, shit, shit' started in Ron's thoughts and
was replaced by a panicly, 'No, no, no' when Harry with a saccharine voice and a
mischievous glint in his eyes raised the device, pressed the loud speaker button
and said: "I'd really like to know who wants to mess up my innocent Ronilein
here."

Hermione, it must be mentioned in her defense, tried for a brief – indeed,
very brief –  moment to stop Harry, but she also wanted to know who at the
other end of the line had put Ron in this – let's call it interesting –
position.

The answer was more than Harry could handle.

"I doubt that it's 'Your Ronilein', Potter. And he is more than just far away
from being innocent.", sounded it dark and amused from the speakers.

Harry knew that voice.

He knew it.

Although not too well, but he had heard it often enough to recognize it.

"Wha-how-huh?" Said one corner of the kitchen, while the other struck her hand
to her mouth in horror.

In his mind Ron saw the amused grin of his lover and he cursed himself for the
umpteenth time that he had not heard the door on time. And he cursed his
lover,too, for distraction him. Even if it was a pleasant sort of distraction.
Ron just hoped he could somehow save the situation and so he began hesitantly
with a "Uh, Harry, it's not like you-"

"I know!"

Surprised by this outburst Hermione and Ron looked to the last one of the trio.
Ron wanted to exhale relaxed, since it seemed as if Harry would immediately
accept for once in his life news without discussing them to death.

But he got his hopes up too soon. With fixed eyes Harry's gaze snapped to a
startling Ron.

"I know! I know! You didn't phone him! It was someone else on the phone. Right?"
Harry didn't even wait for an answer before he shouted an almost panicked
"Right?" into the phone while his voice flew into the upper octaves.

"Potter", began a voice soaked with slowly rising subliminal rage at the other
end, "With whom should have Ron" (and here Hermione's eyes went large and she
looked to an embarrassed Ron with a "Did he just call you by first name?"-gaze,
which was answered by a little irritated "How else? That is my name."-look)
“spoken then? With my house elf?"

The last was said with some sarcasm shining through and the voice actually
wanted to continue, but Harry's "Yes" stopped him short and everyone's eyes –
present and listening – nealy fell out of their heads.

Ron gasped in horror and picked himself up quickly with Hermione's help.

Outraged and shocked Ron wanted to say something, but every other word would
have fallen on deaf ears, since Harry had apparently become aware at last of
what he had just said. Shock and embarrassment paired on the face of
The-Rescuer-of-the-Wizard-World and then there was for a long time only disgust.
Disgust, disgust, in all its versions. These were then chased away by a pardon
pleading face, followed by embarrassment, anger, and again shock, embarrassment
and disgust.

Somewhere between these last expressions he was then caught and this time it was
Harry, who froze to ice. Ron knew that Harry thougth about him and his
interlocutor, lastly. He probably should have been angry that Harry got ill from
the thought, but he was too busy to ask the once again snatched phone for
forgiveness.

A very dark and audible grin was followed by "I would like to know what kind of
face Potter has now." and Ron was once again only too well aware of why he had
not told his two best friends about his lover.

Merlin! He would have been happy if it had never happened and would never
happen.

With a hesitant "Ron?" the aforementioned was torn from his thoughts and faced a
frozen World-Rescuer and a witch equipped with a questioning, while determined
look.

"Um, yes?"

"Why have you been .... phoning him? "

"Uh, he, he is my date for the celebration?"

"Is that a question?"

"Uh, no, of course not!"

"....."

"....."

"Since when is he your .... date? "

In this one sentence was so much subtext that Ron did not immediately know how
he should respond and he got tangled up in his 'Ah's and 'Uh's – much to the
amusement of his lover, who could not suppress a laugh in time.

Obviously, also the questioner found it amusing and so Hermione then said with a
cheeky wink and dragging  a still frozen Harry while going out: "I see. Well
then, we will not further disrupt this conversation. "

And then Ron was alone again in his apartment. He just did not knew whether that
was better. His whole family will probably tear down the door in an hour and
give him a superlative lashing. After they had first examined him of curses and
the Imperius, of course.

Unconsciously Ron had to groan at the thought.

"Hmm, apparently the surprise is over."

"Um, ... huh?

"Well, they will tell your family."

"I know, but I thought, you didn't want to come?"

"Now I probably must. Potter will hardly be able to keep his big mouth. And
also, Ron, I'm looking forward to your family. "

"Wha-tha? ... Do you realize that one can hear your grin through the line? "

"…"

"Lucius Malfoy, you sadist!"

 

~ * The End * ~

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