Essence of hurt
Kuroko had noticed Midorima in the stands in one of their preliminary games. Not only him, his whole team seemed to have come. He saw the other leave with an unreadable expression, closely followed by a Beta he had never seen before. He decided to follow them, just putting on a jacket and telling a still celebrating Kagami he would be back later. At least he already knew that if he went missing, Kagami would come for him. The guy was an idiot but a reliable one.
He found his old teammate in the park, sitting on a bench with that blackhaired Beta next to him. When Kuroko drew near, he overheard his name, so he stayed in the shadows, listening in to their conversation.
“Kuroko is an Omega.” Midorima explained right now. “He was the blue-haired one next to that Alpha.”
“An Omega athlete?” The other asked in surprise. “Shouldn't he be mated and pregnant by now?”
Kuroko clenched his fists and told himself to calm down. This was just what everyone thought. This was normal. Any person would react that way. Somehow it hurt to see Midorima look as appalled as he himself felt at that statement. Sometimes it was really hard to stay mad at the guy. He did not like Midorima at all – but he had to admit that man was a good person to the core of his being.
“Was he ... did you lose a fight over him?” The Beta guessed. The greenhaired man negated which made the other ask after a few moments: “Why does this hurt you so much?”
Kuroko had to actually hold a hand to his lips to keep himself from gasping in surprise. Who was that Beta? He spoke like a really good friend, someone who knew Midorima well and was used to being trusted. Did that neurotic, misanthropic man who always kept to himself really confide in another person? Kuroko did not trust his ears when he heard the other reply: “It reminds me of my failures.”
Yes, Midorima seemed to have found a friend and placed his trust in him. It was so strikingly different from the boy he went to school with a few months before. This was what being friends meant. This was how they should have been in middle school. This was what Kuroko had wanted for himself, someone he could talk to, someone who listened, someone who did not care if he was an Omega, Beta or Alpha, simply a friend. He had lost the only one who ever behaved like that because of those that called him friend but did nothing but rape him.
It reminded him that Midorima was one of them which enabled him to focus on the conversation again. He did not immediately get what his old school mate was talking about: “They don't seem to show the cruel stuff. I guessed so. I choked an Omega once. Akashi was the one who revived him. After that he punched me in the face. Akashi, I mean. The Omega never dared.”
Yes, he remembered that incident. It was one of the later hunts when all five of them were after him. Midorima had found him first, Akashi being right behind him. Good thing that he was because Midorima would have killed him. Out of all of them, he lost control the most when he went into rut. Kuroko did pity whoever Midorima would mate with eventually.
The Beta who did not only seem to like him for unknown reasons but also seemed to be quite sharp asked: “Kuroko?”
“Yes. He was the only one ever to make me lose control. I hope that Alpha claimed him. He seems strong enough to protect Kuroko from me.”
His hand fell from his lips to his heart. Midorima wasn't one to express his feelings but what he said just now was full of sympathy for him. He always knew that the shooter blamed and hated himself for what happened but he had not guessed to what extent. Midorima's voice sounded broken when he asked his friend: “Have I finally driven you away?”
“I am still here, am I not?” There was some rustle of clothes which made Kuroko look around the tree he hid behind. He stopped in astonishment when he saw Midorima in his friend's arms, not exactly leaning into him but not shoving him off either. “I am sorry that happened to you.”
“It is just so unfair. Omegas have inhibitors, so they can live a normal life. All I can do is chop off my cock and hope that's enough.”
Kuroko felt like he was ripped into shreds when he watched those two. One side of him wanted to comfort Midorima, wanted to tell him that it was alright, that he had survived. Another side wanted to say to Midorima that chopping off his cock would be a good way to redeem himself and a fine punishment for all he had done. Another part wanted to scream at that Beta why he was consoling Midorima when Kuroko stood just a few feet away, hurting more than he had for months. Listening to Midorima ripped open a lot of wounds that he had patched up these past few months.
“Please don't do that. As long as you do not go near an Omega in heat, you should be okay.“ This Beta actually petted Midorima's head. Kuroko couldn't believe how jealous that made him. “So now you are afraid to meet Kuroko?”
“Not really. Kuroko is fine. He wasn't even angry. I just don't want to go near him when he is in heat. I hope that Alpha claimed him.”
Fine. Kuroko nearly snorted. How could he be fine? Midorima had been the first of all of them to rape him, his first men, the first one to get him pregnant. He had been the one to teach him fear. He had clawed at him, bitten him, pounded him into the ground with those delicate hands and his not so delicate cock. Sure, he had been the only one who did not act like an asshole afterwards. He had excused himself for his brutality, he had offered to mate with him if Kuroko was so inclined, he had really tried his best to make it less horrifying in Kuroko's memories. It did not change the fact that this first time with Midorima was the worst in his whole life, even compared to Murasakibara to whom he owed an actual scar in his anal ring. He was nowhere near fine.
“Actually ... why didn't you claim him? Isn't that kind of an instinct?” The Beta asked.
“He wore a collar. He did not wear one today, that makes me hopeful.”
He stopped wearing a collar when he felt safe enough from Alphas. It had been the day he met Kagami. That sudden image in his mind calmed Kuroko down in an instant. Kagami. He did not have to be afraid anywhere. He could control his pheromones and if anyone ever tried to assault him again, Kagami would crush them. Kagami was his light.
“So he was okay with sex but not with mating?”
“No, I raped him. I was thankful he wore that collar.”
Oh, so Midorima was honest to his friend. Of course, Midorima was always honest but somehow Kuroko had expected him to omit that little detail. By now he simply hoped that very nice Beta would not abandon Midorima. It was not as if he had raped Kuroko out of his own free will, he had been as appalled and disgusted with himself as he was.
“You ... what?” The Beta looked up, not exactly horrified but definitely shocked. “Just by scenting him, you lost so much control that you raped and nearly killed him?”
“Yes.” The other sighed. “I hate being an Alpha.”
“I ... see.” The blackhaired sounded rather put off but he kept Midorima in his arm. “Was he the only one? Or were there others?”
“He was the only one but it happened ... eight times I think.” Yes, Midorima was a person who would count. “He had seven abortions.”
Not correctly though. He had not aborted his third baby. Kuroko put a hand on his stomach, suddenly feeling very empty. Shit. This was something he definitely did not want to remember. Kagami. Kagami dunking a ball, eating a ridiculous amount of rice, sleeping in class. Where was Kagami anyway? Shouldn't he be already looking for him? How long had he been eavesdropping on Midorima? Should he leave? He was inclined to do so when he heard Midorima explaining to his friend what exactly happened back then. Call it morbid curiosity but Kuroko decided to stay.
“Akashi wanted us all to become the best we could be. He set nearly unreachable goals. The one who came closest to reaching his goal was the one allowed to chase Kuroko that month. Kuroko's goal was to mask his scent, so that he would not be found. His motivation was clear, I guess. And when he had finally learned to mask his scent even in heat, Akashi set more of us after him. The last year of middle school was one gang rape after the next. Even if I weren’t in rut myself, I could not resist Kuroko’s allure. I could control myself not to rape him when he was out of heat, but as soon as he went into it, I went wild.”
Well … that was a pretty accurate summary. Packed into those few words it sounded even more sick than it had felt. How had he ever agreed to that? He knew why but he did not want to go there.
“That is sick“, was also the Beta's conclusion.
“It was why I chose a high school none of the others would go to. Akashi is quite smart but the others are dumb as bread. And I knew where Akashi would go. I just wanted to get away from all of them. Kuroko did the same, he went to a completely new school none of us would go to. He isn't angry with any of us, he said, but still ... I know I am the worst.” Dear gods, Midorima, really. Out of all of them he was the most decent. He had pleaded with Kuroko to stop, had told Akashi to stop, had offered to stop it himself by mating Kuroko. “Being an Alpha is about being strong to protect your mate. But how can you protect someone when the beast is you yourself?”
“You are still scarred, I see.“ Oh no, had he really just said that? He had not wanted to make those two notice him. But on the other hand, it hurt to see Midorima so down. Even after all the pain and resentment, Midorima had been by his side, had helped him countless times, even saved his life twice. Yes, he was angry and hurt, he did want to see the other suffer but not like this. This was just too much. They might not been the best of friends but somehow Midorima was dear to him, even if he did not like the guy's personality.
That poor Beta nearly jumped out of his skin.
“Adept as ever.” Midorima wasn't even surprised. “As sick as it all was, it did teach you what it was supposed to. You are invisible to my senses.”
True enough. It had taken more than a year of continual rapes to reach that state but he had. In a twisted way it made him proud. He had consented to those rapes after all. It wasn't like he could really blame any of his old teammates, he only had himself to blame. So he said: “I am still not angry. But none of you seem able to forgive yourselves.”
“Most days I think about killing myself“, Midorima answered monotonously.
Okay, that was definitely enough. He had to get the other off that guilt trip. If Midorima was like this, Aomine would be even worse, maybe even Murasakibara. He wasn't sure about Akashi, that man was hard to read. Kise had seemed fine but only on the surface. He had an inkling that the other was just as hurt, he simply expressed himself differently.
“I want you to let go of your hurt. I want you to continue living. I want you to forgive yourself.” He calmly stated. “So I will win our match to show you that I am not helpless. I could have put a stop to all that we did at any time. It was my own choice not to. So you have no reason to blame yourself.”
Well, that was a lot of bravado but it certainly was what he wished to feel. It was a recent development that he felt in control again. Kagami assured him that he was allowed to make his own choices.
“You want to beat me with that new Alpha you got?” Midorima asked with a voice much older than he was, a tired and hopeless one.
“No. I'll beat you myself.”
